Denying Myself

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Job 22:21-28
21 “Agree with God, and be at peace;
thereby good will come to you.
22 Receive instruction from his mouth,
and lay up his words in your heart.
23 If you return to the Almighty you will be built up;
if you remove injustice far from your tents,
24 if you lay gold in the dust,
and gold of Ophir among the stones of the torrent-bed,
25 then the Almighty will be your gold
and your precious silver.
26 For then you will delight yourself in the Almighty
and lift up your face to God.
27 You will make your prayer to him, and he will hear you,
and you will pay your vows.
28 You will decide on a matter, and it will be established for you,
and light will shine on your ways.

Mark 8:34-35
34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it.

Job's friend, Eliphaz, pegs Job as a wicked person because of the evidence of his situation. Job was indeed not to blame, but Eliphaz judges him as wicked because he did not understand that God allows the innocent to suffer for His glory. Those who view God as this philanthropist and genie to the righteous, will be prone to being judgmental, which itself is a sin. However, although Eliphaz is indeed judging Job incorrectly, he does offer some Godly advice which is, when one is sinning, one must agree with God in repentance and God is faithful to save. Jesus further explains this when He says that anyone who wants to follow Jesus must first deny himself and then take up his cross. We cannot follow Jesus if we still want our ways to be fulfilled or blessed.

I've been praying on this decision for several days now. In my heart, I feel like I would like to stop working at the end of November. But my superiors all seem to agree with me working up until I give birth. I want to follow Jesus, but am I denying myself? What does that look like? Is denying myself trusting in God to provide the extra finances needed when I step out of work early? Or is denying myself letting go of what I want, which is less stress and more free time to get things in order at home, and bearing a cross until my next season as a mother begins? For me, it's easier to deny myself of money at this point. But since it's easier, does that mean that it's not denying myself at all? What I really want is to be home already and not worry about the logistics of the musical, the demands of the office place, and the pressure to strive for excellence in ministry. Is that really where Jesus is? Am I truly following Him? What I desire, is what Eliphaz says in Job 22:28, you will decide on a matter, and it will be established for you, and light will shine on your ways. I need that light. I need a decision on this matter. I feel like yesterday, my heart turned a little more towards working up until I give birth. Not because it seems more "holy", but because it seems more responsible. However, I feel like working up until I give birth will open me up to resentment. I'll be all salty because I did what was expected of me and not what I really wanted to do. I don't want to be resentful. I want to enjoy what I've always enjoyed doing which is ministry and working hard. However, being pregnant and working hard don't go hand in hand. Everyday, I feel more and more called to staying home. Everyday, I desire more and more to get the house in order and to improve in my role as a wife. I feel unable to do those things if I am still working a full time job. But, then again, shouldn't I just step up to the plate? Shouldn't I just bear the cross and strive to improve at things at home even though I am still working?

Father, please hear my cry. I need Your forgiveness, I need Your wisdom. Lord, I desire to be obedient to You above all things. Lord, if You want me to work until I give birth, please make it so clear to me. Please help me to be at peace with it in my heart. Keep me free from the bondage of resentment. Lord, if it is Your will for me to leave work early, please shed light on that decision. Lord, I want to follow You. Help me to truly deny myself so that I can take up my cross and follow You. I lift my face up to You, Father. In the name of Jesus Christ, please save me from making a poor decision. Jesus, draw me close to You so that I do not stray from Your path. Thank You for loving me, Lord. I love You. I want to be more like You. In the name of Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, I pray, Amen.