Hidden Hatred

Wow, the last time I posted my devotion was February 7th. Just goes to show how much changes when I had my baby. I feel really convicted. I need to do my devotions everyday. I make tons of excuses: Lion only gives me so many hours to sleep, the house looks like a mess, I'm just going to check my email and facebook first and then devo, and so forth. I've decided to ask God to truly help me in this area, and so from now on, there are going to be some changes. I won't check my facebook unless I've done my devo. I'll do my devo after the first night-time feeding, I'm usually super awake at that point and trying to go back to sleep right away for that extra hour or half an hour of sleep isn't really going to benefit me as much as doing my devotion will. So, here it goes. I pray that this blog keeps me accountable.

Proverbs 10:¹⁸The one who conceals hatred has lying lips,
and whoever utters slander is a fool.

King Solomon asked for wisdom from God. In Proverbs, he lists many proverbial truths. Here he plainly states that when hatred is concealed, that person is lying. God does not lie, and so neither should we. When hate is allowed to fester in a heart, it is a lie to say that it isn't there when it really is. Even to play it off as just momentary anger is not telling the truth. Also, Solomon states that when slander is uttered, that person is a fool. For example, in a disagreement or in a situation where there is conflict and tension, it is foolish to mutter to yourself or to others things about another person that is malicious.

This proverb has pointed out a huge flaw in me. I am totally guilty of being a liar and fool. I admit, in the heat of an argument, or when I feel attacked, I resort to "inner victory mode." My husband has called me on it many times, and I have to admit, right here, before God in my devotion, that he is right. I tend to harbor bitterness and also allow hate to win within me when I feel guilt or condemnation or even inadequacy. My default way of winning an "argument" is to say what the other person wants to hear and then in my mind, allow slanderous thoughts and hatred to run wild. It's a horrible and nasty truth about my flesh's nature, and I have to bring this before Jesus so He can make it right. I really need to cut off this part of me. No longer can I hide the hate in my heart. My heart should only be filled with God's love. This is one huge obstacle for me. I need to deal with it here and now. I was asking God to lead me to a different scripture to journal on; one that wouldn't require me to be so honest about myself. Even now, I'm dreading the moment when Hanzo reads this and is like..."We need to have a talk about your devo. What do you really feel about me in your heart?" The process of extracting that hate will really suck (a little pun there). But I need to stop trying to act like I'm better than I really am. I need to be Christ-like and that requires honesty and wisdom. I need to be willing to deal with my flaws instead of covering them up to look like a good Christian.

Heavenly Father, thank You for the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Thank You that by Your power and not by my own strength am I made righteous. I give to You all my sin. Please forgive me and pour Your grace and healing over me. Jesus, help me to deal with those deep hidden flaws within my flesh. I want to be legit. Purify me and take me to the next level. I love You so much and I'm ready to prune and grow. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.

Reminder:
Pray for Lori and her upcoming exam for air traffic control
for Monica and Kim and their trip to China
for Kailey's health and family
for my brother's and father's repentance and salvation
for the young mothers in Argentina
for Lion's health, breastfeeding, and development
for Danice and Justin and their children