He Consols

This morning (2am) I feel very achy. My body feels very stiff. I hope I'm not coming down with something. I think I'll do my devo reading and then complete my journal entry after the next night feeding at around 3 or 4am so I have more time to rest.

Psalm 94:¹⁹When the cares of my heart are many,
your consolations cheer my soul.

God...I need to vent. I tried to go back to sleep to get more rest. Lion woke up at 3:15am and now he is wide awake. I've tried to put him back to sleep. He just won't. I'm at my rope's end. I don't know what to do. I have him on the playmat now so I can do my devo. I somehow feel like it's my fault. I'm so tired. I am feeling weak. My arms hurt. My body aches. I can't even think straight. I don't know how to interpret Your word this morning. I look at this verse I picked out at 2am and I feel like all it says is You are supposed to consol me. But, I honestly don't feel consolation. I don't feel cheery. I feel very upset. I feel tired. I feel like I can't do this anymore. How am I supposed to allow Jesus to love and nurture Lion through me when I'm soooo weak? I have all this head knowledge right now, but I don't know how to put it into practice. Lion is starting to get fussy. Uh! I'm so frustrated.
I need You! I've been crying out to you! I can't do this! Why do I feel like I'm the most horrible mom in the world?
Lord, it seems like I may never get the hang of being a mom. I don't have peace. I don't have rest.
I look at other moms around me and they seem to have it together. The cares of my heart are many. I know I'm supposed to cast my cares upon You, but how come I don't feel like it's working? I feel like I'm praying and crying out to You and I'm still stuck in the same situation. I'm not transforming. I'm not that cheerful, joyful, carefree Christian I feel like I'm expected to be.
I'm...well, I guess all I do is talk about myself, huh. I suppose I'll just focus on You...that's what I'm supposed to do.
You are greater than all my cares. You are willing to comfort me. You are willing to help me and You are able. You care about me. You love me. You love Lion. You want me to be the best that I can be.
Thank You, Lord. Lion is finally asleep and it is only because of You. I can do nothing. Only You are able to do anything good through me. I'm sorry for getting frustrated. I admit, I'm weak...I'm nothing...I'm the worst mother in the world, but because of You, I can be strong, I can be anything, and I can be the best mother for Lion. Please continue to work through me. Help me to stop seeing all my shortcomings and to focus on You instead. I give You all the glory. Lord, help me to love myself. I think this is the root of all my insecurities, doubt, and anger. I love You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen.